when i was 8 years old i started getting bullied…by my teacher. she would take every opportunity to humiliate me in front of my class, or sometimesthe whole school, just to set an example for the other kids. i started coping with thisby eating food that made me feel better. by the time i was 9, i was chubby. my parents pulled me out of that school andinto another but, because of my new found
crash diet 800 calories, chubbiness, i ended up getting bullied againanyway. my geography teacher of all people changed my name from ridgewell to squidgewellwhich was soon shortened by my classmates to squidge. i made the most of the nickname though and worked it into my first ever online username. when i was 11 a girl called me “eclipseâ€because apparently i blocked out the sun.
i must’ve been on a diet every other month.i’d lose a bit of weight, get bullied, eat my feelings, and wind up exactly where i started. if not a little heavier. i’d repeat this behaviour until i was 17. when i was in sixth form i started cycling to andfrom school a few days a week followed by exercising in my bedroom. i almost got towhere i wanted to be but i got stressed out by school and remembered that food was my friend. during the first year of university i packedon some serious pounds. having to buy and prepare my own food just meant a whole lot of carbs.just carbs carbs carbs. by my second year of university i was the heaviest i’d everbeen. a guy told me he was repulsed by the idea of me having sex with my girlfriend becauseof my size. which was nice...
in march of 2010, in a hotel room in cardiff,i stood naked in front of a full-body mirror and felt absolutely disgusted by what was in front of me that that evening i ate only fruit. then again the next day. and the day after. for the next 6 monthsi essentially starved myself, living off around 500-800 calories a day. and without any sugar in mysystem, i found it hard to socialise so i don’t remember that period too much fortunately. by the end of the year i was the thinnesti’d ever be. i lost most of the weight and all of my muscle. i loved how i looked andknew all i had to do was start exercising and i’d finally be where i wanted to be…but because i had just been starving myself i never really learned to eat properly sowhen my final year of university hit and i
needed something to make my brain work. ijust started eating sugars and carbs again. and then when my friend got sicki started eating to escape. i made it through my final year of universitybut my slim figure did not. once i moved to london i tried to boot up my low calorie / starvationdiet, the omega diet, once again. i almost made a series about it to encourage you todo the same… i quickly realised that was a terrible and probably illegal idea. sufficeto say, the diet failed miserably. when my friend passed i started drinking forthe same reasons i ate. it felt good and gave me a sense of control or something. but aftera chance encounter i was introduced to a personal trainer and we got to work. a strict, highprotein, low carb, diet with an hour of exercise
every other day. the weight was falling offand the muscle was piling on. but at the same time my mental health was crumbling and iturned to food every single time i fell apart. i started taking anti-depressants but becausei wouldn’t stop drinking they didn’t work. before long my personal trainer just had to except that i was just a lost cause, a hopeless caseand we called it a day. i don’t blame him at all. i was moved onto a muchstronger anti-depressant but i wasn't warned about the substantial side-effect to keepan eye out for which was a rapidly increased appetite. and in just 3 months i piled on50 new pounds. i completely gave up on myself and most ofmy friendships. i was tired of fighting, tired of failing myself. i gave in and just acceptedmy weight. within 6 months i weighed a little
over 250lbs. at the start of 2015, with anew-found burst of enthusiasm / fear of death, i started a series called “fat loserâ€to document my weight-loss! i was really going to do it this time. no i wasn’t. over the next couple monthsi had so much bad news i didn’t know what to do with myself. i ran straight back intothe arms of my two most loving and reliable companions. by october i was 260lbs and completelydesperate. i saw an advert for a weight-loss program and just thought why not, i am justgonna die if i don't do this. and two days into the program they kicked me off becausemy liver was so damaged from the drinking that i was too much of a health-risk for themto take responsibility for.
by january 2016 i was 270lbs. but i’d managedto get my liver back on track and successfully reentered into the weight loss program. andnow that i have lost enough weight to get myself back to where i was at the start offat loser last time, i figured it was time to start documenting once again. because hey,83rd time a charm, right? oh boy. at the end of the day i’m fat because ieat too much and do too little. and i can't blame anyone but myself for my consistentfailure. enough people have tried to help me in my life: friends, family, girlfriends,and hell even a personal trainer. and i’ve just lost that faith in myself to say “thisis the one and you can do it this time!†but that doesn’t mean i can stop trying.because if there's one thing i've said in
my life that actually made sense it’s that“failure isn’t fucking up, it’s giving up.†so, i've just got to keep trying. andi don't know if it’ll amount to anything but… wish me luck? tomska out.
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